Special Delivery
by Rae D. Magdon
Summary: The Normandy receives a very special delivery, but more than one person thinks the package is for them. Jack/Miranda, Liara/FemShep, Tali/? Warning for total insanity/crackfic and the mention of sex toys


****Pairing:** **Liara/FemShep, Miranda/Jack, Tali/Her Package (... that sounds wrong! I swear it's not what you think! Or maybe it is...)

**Spoilers:** ME1, ME2

**AN:** _**THIS IS TOTAL CRACKFIC!** _Well, my version of it. I know, I know, most crackfic doesn't have proper grammar and spelling, but I consider "Rae crackfic" to be characters acting somewhat OOC for the sake of hilarity. There is mention of sex toys, but nothing too explicit.

...

**Special Delivery**

...

Miranda was not in the habit of getting into fights. It was ironic, since she was one of the best damn fighters out there. An excellent shot, strong biotics – although not as strong as Jack's or an asari's – and most importantly, she possessed an excellent tactical brain. No, she was a good field operative, but when it came to petty squabbles, she was not the type to get involved.

Jack, on the other hand, was in the habit of getting in to fights. In fact, Miranda went so far as to say that Jack was addicted to fights. She couldn't stop looking for them if she tried.

And so when she saw Jack and Liara T'Soni, who wasn't even a member of the Normandy's crew any longer, fighting near the decontamination room at the entrance to the ship, she was only half surprised. Jack getting into a fight was nothing new, but seeing Liara's temper roused was unfamiliar, despite what Jack had related to her about the Shadow Broker mission.

Granted, the asari was mostly defending herself instead of launching offensive attacks, but Jack's biotics were strong, and she kept needing to re-build her shield whenever the ex-convict smashed holes through it. So far, Jack hadn't managed to get at her yet, but Miranda had a feeling it wouldn't be long. Reluctantly, she decided to step in.

"Either of you want to tell me what the hell you're doing?" she barked in her best 'commander' voice. It was enough to make Liara snap to attention, and Jack was distracted enough to stop trying to fry the asari with her crackling, glowing fists. It was only then that Miranda noticed the package Liara was clutching to her chest, a package that Jack was staring at with a mixture of rage and determination.

"T'Soni won't give me my package!" Jack howled, her biotics pulsing up again and causing the scent of burning air to hit Miranda's nose. She sniffed once and frowned.

"I assure you, there has been some mistake. I arranged for this package to be delivered over a week ago when the Normandy stopped on Ilium."

Miranda was just about to make the perfectly obvious suggestion that they check the address label when something else caught her eye. Although it was wrapped discreetly so that no one could really tell what was inside, the package did have a logo on it – Pandora's Toybox. Her cheeks colored as she realized what was probably in the package. Jack had placed an order to that particular salarian manufacturing company recently, at her suggestion. Why did salarians even make sex toys when they didn't engage in sex for pleasure? They just crawled around, fertilizing eggs based on whose Dalatress was in power...

She groped for words, but had difficulty recalling any as her mind flashed back to an encounter that had occurred five days earlier.

_"I'm surprised you don't have one already..." she had said, her chin resting just above Jack's naked and heavily tattooed right breast. The chest beneath her head moved up once, sharply, as her lover laughed._

_"Hello? I was a prisoner. What was I supposed to say? 'Hey, Blue Sun guys, I'll be ready to go in a minute. Just let me grab my sex toys to take with me?' I would have asked to bring my toothbrush first. You don't find a lot of nice ass in prison, so the toys would have gone to waste, but I could have used the toothbrush. Clean teeth and a nice handle to make into a shiv."_

_Miranda pointedly ignored Jack's sarcastic tone. Instead, she reached over the side of her bed and groped for her omni-tool in the crumpled pile of clothing she had tossed unceremoniously onto the floor. "Well then, since you have some 'nice ass' now, as you so flatteringly put it, we'll just have to correct that..."_

"Are you sure it's your package?" the Cerberus operative asked, suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to grab it herself, and stuttering over the word 'package'. She hadn't meant to put it quite so literally. Liara T'Soni had always struck her as a bit of a prude, unlike the majority of asari she had met. Hopefully, Liara wouldn't insist on opening the package to see who was right.

"Who else's would it be?"

"Mine! Duh," Jack said, taking advantage of the fact that Liara had lowered her shield and making a grab for the prize. She clutched it triumphantly to her chest and stepped back, as if to protect it. "Look, I know you're the Commander's pet, so don't make me hurt you. Just let me have what's mine and we can forget this shit."

Coming from Jack, Miranda thought, those were actually very peaceful terms. However, Liara looked far from appeased. "I ordered this present for Shepard, and you will not take it!"

"Did I hear someone shout my name?" a familiar voice called out as footsteps approached from the navigation deck. Miranda felt her stomach tie itself in a big, tight knot.

"It's nothing important, Commander," Miranda said, trying to diffuse the situation and get Commander Shepard to leave as fast as possible. The last person she wanted involved in this embarrassing mistake was her commanding officer. "I can handle –"

"I was handling it just fine before," Jack complained, both hands on her hips and the package tucked under one arm. Miranda tried not to stare too long at the other human's biceps and shoulders.

Unfortunately, Shepard and Liara weren't paying attention to them. They were staring at each other, communicating silently.

_"What's in the package?"_

_"I – ah... just something I sensed you thinking about during our melds. Joining leaves almost no secrets, you know."_ Liara's eyes flashed black for a moment as she sent Shepard a picture of what she had purchased.

_"You bought me a... is it really that color? What are those tiny wires for?"_

_"I matched your skin tone. The wires –"_

"Stop talking inside your heads! I hate that!" Jack roared, pounding on the nearest wall and leaving a decent-sized, slightly charred dent. The package was still tucked under her other arm.

"Look, Jack, just give Liara the package..." Shepard said, sounding more like a nervous child about to be caught with something they shouldn't have than the Commander of a ship talking to their subordinate. Miranda's eyes darted to either side, trying to find some avenue of escape, but there was none. Shepard was between her and the nearest exit. It looked like she would have to ride out the storm.

"Miranda, catch!"

Before she could make sense of what was happening, the package came flying directly towards her face. "I don't want to get involved," she said, reaching out her arms to catch it, but a glowing blue stasis field appeared around the box, enclosing it and bringing it back in the other direction, towards Liara.

"Don't want to get involved?" Jack said, abandoning her own biotics and following underneath the bubble, trying to reach up into it and reclaim what she believed to be hers. "You paid for it!"

"I paid for it," Liara corrected, lifting the package even higher so Jack couldn't reach it in a perverse game of keep-away. "And the technology was not cheap." Miranda groaned. She didn't even want to know what Liara had ordered or why she thought the package was hers to begin with.

Tired of reaching up for the floating package, Jack finally seemed to remember that she was also a biotic, and sent a blast of her own towards the box. Unfortunately, that sent it flying to the other side of the room. All four of them watched it skid across the floor, looking somewhat the worse for wear. They paused, looked at each other, and scrambled for the package all at once.

Somehow, they ended up in a tangled heap on the floor, trying to pull each other back and force themselves forward at the same time. Jack stuck out a foot to trip Shepard as she made a dive for the box, but ended up kicking Miranda at the same time. Liara ran right into the Cerberus operative's back as she tipped forward, nearly falling on top of her. Undeterred, Miranda began a quick army crawl towards the package, but Shepard grabbed her ankle.

"Stop!"

Arms outstretched, and with panicked looks on all their faces, the four figures turned to look at the person who had yelled at them. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya stood in the doorway, one foot of her Envirosuit tapping impatiently on the floor, glaring at them through the visor of her helmet. "What is that?" she asked, gesturing at the package.

"None of your damn business," Jack spat, but Tali ignored her, walking past the four of them and picking up the battered box.

"Good, it came early," Tali said as she examined the address label.

"W-what?" Miranda stammered, scrambling back to her feet. The others quickly followed. "But that's... you're..."

The quarian rolled her eyes and turned the box to show them the label. It read: _'Tali'Zorah vas Neema nar Rayya'_. Recent name change aside, it was obviously hers. The four combatants exchanged awkward glances. "So, do any of you want to explain why you were fighting over my suit mod? Or are you all just perverts?"

"My apologies, Tali," Liara said, looking remorseful. "I thought the package was for me. Apparently, so did Jack."

"Were none of you smart enough to check the address label?" the quarian asked.

Miranda bit her tongue to stop from saying that, yes, she had been about to check the address label before things got... complicated.

Tali continued without waiting for a response. "Hold on, so all of you are expecting deliveries from Pandora's Toybox, too?" She groaned at the thought. "Never mind. I really, really don't want to know. I am going to take this," she shook the package at them, "back to my room. If I leave, will you four promise not to kill each other?"

They all nodded, even Shepard, who was looking awfully cowed by the mistake.

"Wait," Jack said as Tali started to leave the room. "What did _you_ order?"

"Just because we usually have to stay in our suits doesn't mean we can't have fun," the quarian said cryptically, refusing to give a more detailed answer. Package in hand, she left the others to stare in awkward silence.

Jack sniffed, rubbing a hand across her mouth. "Bet it's a vibrator," she muttered to herself. Miranda smacked the back of her head. "Hey! Ow!"

"I think," she said, raising her voice more than necessary, "that we should all get out of here."

Shepard pounced on the suggestion. "Don't need to tell me twice. I'll be in my cabin if you need me."

"You know, I thought it was strange that I never got a confirmation message about the delivery," Liara said, following the human back to her room.

Miranda and Jack looked at each other and sighed. "Well, I guess we'll have to wait. You'd think with all the advances in technology, the mail would get here faster..."

"Damn bureaucrats," Jack grumbled. "Still can't believe T'Soni ordered some kind of strap-on from the extranet. Doesn't seem like her."

"How do you know what she ordered?"

The convict rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. She said it was a present for Shepard. What else would it be?"

"Well, happy birthday to them, then," Miranda said sarcastically, "but I sure could have gone without knowing any of the details."

"Think it's blue? I bet they make detachable dicks for chicks in just about every color."

Miranda blushed. "Detachable... oh, never mind. Blue isn't exactly Shepard's color." Then she realized that she didn't want to be thinking about her Commander that way at all. Too much trouble.

"So, what are we going to do until ours gets here?" Jack asked.

Miranda struck a pose, leaning against the wall near the crater that Jack's hand had left. "Variety is nice, but I don't recall any complaints from you about the old fashioned way, either."

Jack reached out to brush a stray dark lock away from where it was half-covering Miranda's eyes, tucking it behind her ear. Then, abandoning her tenderness, she fisted her hand in Miranda's hair and pulled the other woman's face close to hers. "Nope. No complaints."


End file.
